Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Winds of Change

"My life got flipped turned upside down..."-Fresh Prince Intro.

I can easily say that the thirtieth year of my life has been, without a doubt, the hardest.  From an emotional standpoint, everything in my life has seemed to result in some form or another of stress.  In May I took a trip to Spain to see my then girlfriend.  After one day of being there I was super-sick (the kind where it's coming out both ends-I'll spare the details).  To make matters worse, we argued most of the time about things that now seem kind of trivial. And then, to put the icing on the cake, my proposal of marraige was turned down.  To put it simply, I left Spain with my tail between my legs, looking forward to getting home and concentrating on work and training throughout the summer.

I got home to a shit-storm at work.  A loyal client of mine left me to go with another trainer.  She had given me her word before I left that I had nothing to worry about, and that she was only training with this new trainer while I was gone. I was assured she'd pick up with me right where we left off when I returned from my trip.  Instead, through a text message no less, she informed me that she was no longer going to be working with me and that she hoped we could still be friends.  Yeah, ok, FUCK YOU.  Not only had I been denied by the love of my life, but now I was coming back home to what I thought would be the safety net of work, only to be betrayed by two people I trusted: my client and my co-worker.  I apologize for writing this, but both of them can go fuck themselves. 

So I figured that would be the end of it.  I was wrong.  The "safety net" of work became replaced by the safety net of training.  I poured everything I had into training hard and racing harder.  My races results were ok, but nothing spectacular.  Work dwindled, and I wound up having the worst summer financially that I've ever had as a trainer.  Sure this is more likely a result of the economy, but it still wasn't very confidence inspiring for my already shaky self esteem.  My last race of the season (not intended to be) literally took everything I had.  I wore myself down so bad that in the days after the race I had dizzyness and shortness of breath which prompted a doctors visit.  Being a hypochondriac I also began having panic attacks that gave me heart palpatations and tightness in my chest.  The doctors visit and test results didn't show I had any long term health issues, but I was severely fatigued and I believe so dehydrated that I caused some serious internal damage.  I pulled the plug and haven't raced or seriously trained since.  That was the beginning of August.

And then the true bomb dropped.  I got a call from my girlfriend in Spain.  In hindsight, I should've known something was up because she NEVER called me (we either skyped or texted), but when my cell phone rang and her number came up I was grinning ear to ear.  It had been quite a while since I'd heard her voice as the internet connectivity where she was nearly non-existent, and any time I heard from her my world got brighter.  This wasn't a "good" call though.  This was to be the last.  I was being dumped.  I guess the marriage proposal and the distance had proved to be too much.  I was completely blindsided.  My whole world came crashing down around me.  It was one of those moments in life where emotion is more painful than any physical act could ever be.  Even though she was thousands of miles away and we'd only seen each other twice in about 6 months, I felt alone for the first time since we'd met.

I'd never loved someone more intensely and this was the biggest let down of my life.  For the time that we were together I felt like I was moving forward with my life for the first time.  It was good to feel like I had some direction.  I was planning to move and join her in Spain.  With the breakup I felt lost.  I went from having everything somewhat figured out to complete isolation.  I had no starting point.  I managed to keep a cool profile from the outside, but inside I was a mess.  I started drinking a little more, riding a little less, and generally just not caring. Not good.

Fast forward to now.  I'm still not over everything that's happened, but things are looking like they're finally starting to turn for the better.  Work is still not what it once was, but it's getting better and I'm having fun just riding my big bikes and doing crazy stuff on the trails.  I'm not sure when the next time I'll race is, and it's honestly not a huge priority.  Getting my life on track right now is where I want my focus to be. I've got a bit of my motivation back and that's good.

I'm sorry if this is long winded.  I've never really spoken to anyone about what's been going on and I had to spit it all out.  I'm probably not going to reread this, so there are probably some mistakes.  I'm going to take a little "creative license" and write them off as being part of the writer expressing his emotions on the page (I think one of my creative writing professors said something like that once...). 

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